Harry Potter and the Necromancer's Pebble
by Atellix
Summary: An assignment for my Creative Writing class. The first Harry Potter film done in a one act play. Comments are GREATLY appreciated!


DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling does.

This was an assignment for creative writing, worth half my mark. I need you guys to go through it thoroughly and let me know what jokes fall flat and what works/doesn't work. If you do, Charlie will return sooner than expected... I promise!!

HARRY POTTER...

And the Necromancer's Pebble!!!

_(Narrator comes onto the stage, standing at the side, addressing the crowd)_

Narrator: Before we begin, we'd like to apologize to anyone offended by the content in this play. Chances are your offence was not intentional, but it's always an added bonus. We also apologize to William Shakespeare and the Pope, just in case. Our story begins on a dark and stormy night... at least it would have if we hadn't cut out that scene. On Privet Drive, we begin our story....

(_Harry Potter comes onto the stage)_

Narrator (_in a dramatic tone_): Harry Potter! And the Necromancer's Pebble!!!!

Harry: Why must you always say it like that? And what's with the title?

Narrator: It's called showmanship, Harry. And we changed the title. We don't want to get sued. So deal with it! _(to the audience)_ Good luck.

_(Narrator exits)_

Harry: Hi everyone! I'm Harry Potter, also known as "The Boy that Lived". And I hate my life here at Privet Drive, mostly because of my uncle and aunt and their idiot son, my cousin Dudley, who basically looks like a pig. But right now he's my ultimate irreplaceable enemy!!

_(Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia come on stage)_

Harry: Where's Dudley?

Vernon: Got cut out. Couldn't afford another actor. And yes, we hate you. _(to audience)_ This boy has been nothing but trouble since he's lived here!

Petunia: Which is all his life, mind you!

Vernon: Yes! Exactly. And we hate you! And say random bad things about your mom and pop.

_(Narrator enters)_

Harry: What are YOU doing back?

Narrator: Ahem. I'm the postman, and I have a letter.

_(Narrator motions to hand it to Harry, but Vernon grabs it first)_

Vernon: I'll take that!

Harry: Hey! That's mine! _(to Narrator)_ You're just going to let him take my letter??

Narrator _(shrugs)_: Deal with it.

(_Narrator exits; Vernon opens the letter and reads. He seems to be scared)_

Vernon: Ow! I got a paper cut! And we have to leave!

Harry: What? Why? Aren't there supposed to be more of these letters? Hey Narrator!

_(Narrator comes back on)_

Narrator _(unamused)_: WHAT??

Harry: Aren't there supposed to be hundreds of letters that fly around us and I dance a jig?

Narrator: What do you think this is, Hollywood? No letters, and NO DANCING!

_(Narrator exits; Hagrid enters)_

Hagrid: Hi, I'm Hagrid, and Harry is coming with me!

Vernon: You're not supposed to be here yet! We haven't left to go to the lighthouse!

Hagrid: Actually we've gone Big Brother. We get you at your home now.

Harry: I'm not going with you! I don't even know you!

Hagrid _(sighs)_: Harry Potter, I have been entrusted to bring you to the Hogwash School of Cross-stitch and Stitchery. Because you're a wizard Harry.

Harry: What? A Wizard? At a Stitching School?

Hagrid: Sure! You're a wizard at stitching!

Harry _(smacks his head with his hand)_: Oi!

Hagrid: Don't you go 'oi'-ing me! I'm five times the size of you. Don't make me go all 'Andre the Giant' on you, ya slimy git!

Harry: If there's a cop in the audience, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???

Hagrid: Now cut that out! We ain't got time to waste lines. (_turns to Vernon_) You lot outta here or we'll never get this done.

(_Vernon and Petunia exit_)

Hagrid: Now Harry, take a giant step like this. (_steps forward. Harry does the same_). Okay, now we're here at Hogwash.

Harry: What? What about the flying motorcycle? And the train ride? Platform 9&3/4?

Hagrid: No time for it. This ain't some big Hollywood production ya know!

Harry: What about Draco? I have to meet my arch nemesis!

Hagrid: Fine!

(_Hagrid gives a dramatic sigh and steps to stage left, stopping at the curtains. Reaches behind and a boy leans around the curtains_.)

Draco: Hi! I'm...

(_Hagrid pushes him back and returns to Harry_.)

Hagrid: There! You met him. Now here's all the books you're going to be needing.

(_Pretends_ _to give Harry books, when there's nothing but air_)

Harry: What are you talking about? What books?

Hagrid: Shut up! We couldn't afford 'em this year. So just take the books I'm pretending to give to ya, and we'll say no more about it.

Harry: Boy, this is a really lousy play. Do I at least have an owl? And play Quidditch?

Hagrid: Nope. SPCA came and took all our owls. Claimed it was cruelty to animals. And there's no Quidditch either. Got no brooms. Though we've got the balls for it!

(_Hagrid holds out his arms to the audience, waiting for a reaction. There is none_)

Hagrid: Ah! Not funny enough for ya? Wouldn't know a good joke if it smacked ya with a two by four.

(_Oliver Wood enters_)

Oliver: Excuse me ogre...

Hagrid: Ogre?

Oliver: ... Did I hear you say you're canceling Quidditch practice?

Hagrid: Why yes, ya flippin' pansy, I did.

Oliver: But that's my only scene! I mean, I'm hot, sure! The girls love me! But I just don't have enough acting skills to appear in any other places in the script. I can't act by looks alone! Brad Pitt already does that! Plus they cut me out altogether in the third one.

Hagrid: Boo-hoo. Go cry to your agent, kid. I'm a little busy.

Oliver (_sniffs_): Okay... (_begins to head offstage_)... Daddy?...

(_Oliver exits; Hermione, Ron, and Ralph Wiggum enter_)

Hagrid: Okay Harry, now for some introductions with basic plot contributions. We have Hermione...

Hermione: Always a best friend, never a girlfriend. No social life or status of any kind. I'm super smart with no one to brag to.

Hagrid: Ron...

Ron: Too dumb to be the smart one, too chicken to be the hero. I am what I is.

Hagrid: And Neville...

Ralph: I like elves!

Hagrid: Wait a minute! You're not Neville! Get outta here!

(_Ralph runs off stage crying. Neville enters, wearing a shirt that says 'Neville'_)

Hagrid: And this is Neville...

Neville: I like elves! (_Hagrid gives him an angry glare._) What? I do!

Hagrid: These are your friends... except Neville. These people are important... except Neville... These people would take a bullet for you!

Ron: Whoa whoa! Not in the chest!

Hagrid: Oh no! Not in the chest... maybe the thigh or... the bulletproof vest...

Harry: So, I'm at school, right?

Hagrid: Yep. Step to the left is home, step to the right is Hogwash.

(_Harry takes a step to the left, then steps back. He steps to the left again, then steps back_.)

Hagrid: Cut it out. Whaddya think this is, the Mexico state border?

Harry: Sorry. I'm done.

Hagrid: Alright, now to get on with the teachers.

(_Professor Snape, Professor McGonagall, Willy Wonka, and Professor Quirrel enter; Ron, Hermione and Neville take a step back_)

Hagrid: Now unfortunately, Professor Dumbledore could not be with us, due to the fact that he passed away last spring. But we have a new Professor Dumbledore, whom we are substituting in his place, hoping the audience won't really notice the difference. So here is our new Professor Dumbledore!

Willy Wonka: (_singing, to the tune of 'Imagination'_) Come and stitch, I'll get rich, at my school under investigation, this is 'cause there's no snitch, in this silly little situation...

Harry (_rolls his eyes_): No... I'm sure no one will notice the difference. Especially if this becomes a musical.

(_A gnome comes dancing onto the stage, dancing across in front until it reaches the other side_)

Gnome: (_singing_) There's no business like gnome business, like no business I know! Everything about it is appealing! Everything the author can allow!

(_Gnome exits; The remaining cast stand there stunned for a second_)

Harry: O-kay, that was scary beyond all reason.

Hagrid: Um yeah.

Harry: Boy, I hope some poor schmuck isn't trying to watch this in order to study the book.

Hagrid: You mean watch a dramatization instead of reading the book itself? Who does that?

(_There is a pause before everyone on stage looks out directly at the audience. They hold their gaze for a moment_)

Hagrid: Anyways, as I was saying...

(_Humming of 'There's no Business like Show Business' can be heard. The professors step to the side to reveal Neville standing there, eyes closed, bobbing his head and humming. Suddenly he stops and opens his eyes as he realizes that everyone is staring at him)_

Neville: Hi?

Hagrid: What the bloody... Narrator?

(_Narrator enters_)

Narrator: Yes? Hey Eric, what's up? Oh, how's the baby?

Hagrid: AHEM. Excuse me, Narrator whom-I-have-never-seen-before?

Narrator: Yes, Hagrid-whom-I-know-personally-as-Eric?

Hagrid: (_gives a big phony smile_) Do we really need Neville?

(_Narrator looks at Neville, who nods vigorously. Then looks at Hagrid, who shakes his head vigorously. The narrator looks back and forth between the two who are both nodding or shaking their heads_)

Narrator: (_to audience_) This is fun to just watch, isn't it?

(_Hagrid and Neville stop moving their heads_)

Hagrid: I'm glad you enjoyed that.

Narrator: I did, thanks for your concern. And Neville stays.

Neville: Yay! (_begins to dance while turning slowly, singing repeatedly 'I get to stay'_)

Hagrid: But... WHY?

Narrator: (_winks_) You'll see...

(_Narrator exits offstage; Neville is still dancing_)

Hagrid: Now, here we have Professor McGonagall...

(_Narrator runs on_)

Narrator: TROLL... IN THE DUNGEON! ... Thought you ought to know!

Quirrel: Hey! That's my line!

Snape: Aren't you supposed to faint?

Narrator: I don't want to end up on the floor! It's cold!

Snape: I'd catch you!

(_There's a beat as everyone looks at Snape, shocked_)

Narrator: Assuming you weren't the one that pushed me ...

Snape: Look, I said I was sorry about not calling--

Harry (_interrupting_): Should I go take care of it?

(_Narrator shakes head no and instead motions to Neville dancing and mocks him. Narrator stops dancing_)

Hagrid: (_smiles at the Narrator_) Neville will take care of it.

(_Neville freezes and glances over his shoulder at Hagrid. Hagrid nods. Neville stops dancing and walks with his head down to the Narrator_.)

Narrator: Come on Dancing Queen. I need you to sign some release forms in case of death. We don't want to get sued you know! Hermione can come to. (_to Hermione_) You're not going to fight, don't worry. We just don't need you in this scene right just yet.

(_Narrator, Hermione, and Neville exit_)

Hagrid: Now to McGonagall...

Quirrel: She stole my line!

McGonagall: Oh for God's sake. I'm outta here! I've got better things to do than listen to you introduce me a thousand times. Come on Wonka!

Wonka (_as_ _he's getting pulled off the stage by McGonagall, singing_): She's all red, we have fled, and I can't say that I really blame her...

(_McGonagall and Wonka exit; Hagrid looks at Snape_)

Hagrid: (_speaking quickly)_ And this Professor Snape!

Professor Snape: (_speaking in the same manner as Alan Rickman from the first film)_ ...yes, I am the critical and short-tempered Professor Snape. Teacher of the threading class. And—

Quirrel: (_interrupting_) She stole my line!

Hagrid: Oh for God's sake man, who cares?!?

Quirrel: But does that mean that _she's_ the evil villain now?

Harry: Wait, wait... you're the evil one? (_motions to Snape_) I thought you would be the criminal mastermind.

Snape: After a fifteen second introduction, you think I'd be the criminal mastermind behind the whole performance?

Harry: Well, they say that the villain is smarter than the hero. And more talkative.

Snape: I'm twice the size of you and three times your age. I should only hope I'm smarter than you too. And—(_glances over at Quirrel, who is muttering to himself; gives him a weird look_)... on second thought, you're right. I can see why you thought what you did. Ogre?

Hagrid: Yes pansy?

Snape: Could I... (_motions to Quirrel_)

Hagrid: (_nods_) Good god, by all means yes.

(_Snape leads Quirrel offstage. They exit_)

Harry: Now what?

Hagrid: Well, my time is just about up. But I am supposed to give you this. (_turns toward the wings with his hands open. Nothing happens_) AHEM!

(_A bright neon green 80s style jacket is thrown, which Hagrid catches and gives to Harry_)

Hagrid: This is an invisibility cloak.

Harry: (_doubtful_): Are you sure? It looks like something from Richard Simmons' closet.

Hagrid: Oh... no, not this one. Oi! Pansy! Other one!

(_Ralph Wiggum comes on wearing a white cloak with a hood._)

Hagrid: That's the one! Give it 'ere.

Ralph: No Sauron! Your evil forces with not take over the hobbit shire!

Hagird: Give it 'ere or I'll knock ya into next month!

(_Ralph runs off stage giggling, Hagrid chasing after him_)

Hagrid: Come back here or I'll send you into the sequel!!

(_Harry stands there for a moment before Ron enters_)

Harry: Hello Stranger!

Ron: Actually, according to Supertramp, it's 'Goodbye Stranger', but that's another story.

Harry: So what do we do now? What happens next?

(_There's a beat as Harry and Ron look at each other and nod_)

Harry and Ron: Narrator!

(_Narrator enters, laughing and walking backwards, looking offstage, carrying a roll of paper_)

Narrator: Dig deep Ralphie! Dig deep! Hah ha... (_laughing trails off_, _turns to the boys_) You squalled?

Harry: What do we do now?

Narrator (_begins to unroll the end of the paper_) I have no idea (to Ron) Hold this will you?

(_Narrator gives the end of the roll to Ron to hold, and begins to walk backward, unrolling the paper, Harry standing in front_)

Narrator (_con't_): Anyway, I don't know what you should do next. Maybe you should ask me some questions.

(_The banner is now unrolled so that the audience and Harry can see. It says 'Nicholas Flannel')_

Harry: Who's Nicholas Flannel?

Narrator: See? That's a good question!

Ron: I think I've heard of him. He's some guy who's got books about him in the adult section of the library.

(_Harry gives Ron a strange look. Ron stares at him, then realizes what Harry thinks)_

Ron: No no! No no no... no no... not like that! Only adults can read these books!

(_Now the Narrator gives him a look_)

Ron: No no... (_sighs_) I'm shutting up now.

(_Hagrid comes on, the cloak draped over one hand and dragging Ralph in with the other)_

Hagrid: Got him. Here's the cloak.

(_Hagrid holds his hand out, and Harry takes the cloak Ralph whimpers._)

Ron: Hey! That's awesome. Now you can sneak into the adult section of the library and get the books about Nicholas Flannel!

(_Hagrid and Ralph look over at Ron, and give him a weird look_)

Ron: Never mind. I'm outta here.

(_Hermione enters carrying a stack of books as Ron exits_)

Harry: This is awesome! Now I can use my invisibility cloak and do whatever Ron just said!

Ralph: Aw.... (_begins to cry)_

Hermione: Actually there's no need. I have all the books we need on Nicholas Flannel right here!

Harry_ (looks like he's about to cry)_: What? But... but... my cape... invisible...

Ralph: Yay!

(_Ralph grabs the cape and runs offstage, with Hagrid in pursuit)_

Harry: But... but...

Narrator: Wait wait... you got into the adult section of the library wearing that? (_motions to Hermione's outfit_) I thought the whole schoolgirl look was supposed to be innocent.

Hermione: Ever heard of Britney Spears?

Narrator: Point taken.

(_Hermione nods and turns to Harry, who is sniffling_)

Hermione: Anyways Harry, Nicholas Flannel created the Necromancer's Pebble. It's been lost for thousands of years, and no one knows where it is!

Narrator: It's in the basement.

Hermione: What?

Narrator: The basement. It's in the basement. (_off Hermione's look_) I'm the omniscient narrator. I know everything.

Harry: I suppose I have to go and get it then so it doesn't fall into the hands of evil.

Narrator: Nah, just leave it... I'm sure it'll be fine... YES YOU HAVE TO GO AND GET IT!

Harry: Fine! Basement! Got it!

(_Hermione and Narrator exit; Harry walks, looking around. He makes his way to stage right as Ralph enters stage left. Harry comes towards him and tries to go around him, but Ralph blocks_)

Ralph: You shall not pass!!

(_Harry gives a dramatic sigh; Professor Quirrel enters from stage left, Narrator from stage right_)

Quirrel: You have the Necromancer's pebble, don't you??? I'm insane with anger and will do anything to get it!

Harry: Yeah right!

Quirrel: Don't make me do the Macarena! (_starts to dance, putting his hands out_) First you...

Harry: No! Please, stop!! I don't have it... Ralph's got it!!

Quirrel: What? Come here you!

(_Ralph screams as Quirrel chases him offstage; The Narrator comes over to Harry)_

Harry (_aloud, to himself, stretching_): So I suppose that's it then.

(_Ralph runs across the stage again screaming, as Quirrel chases him off again_)

Harry: So is there actually a Necromancer's pebble?

Narrator: Psch, yeah right! (_off Harry's look_) Nah, it's just a metaphor.

Harry: For what?

Narrator: Who knows? (_a beat_) Who cares?

(_Ralph and Quirrel run by again, same as before_. _A beat_)

Harry: Hey, what happened to Neville?

(_The Narrator laughs and gives Harry a smile as Ralph and Quirrel run by again_. _A beat_.)

Narrator: Five bucks says Ralph trips on his cape and goes down.

Harry: You're on.

(_Harry and the Narrator shake hands and watch Ralph run across the stage with Quirrel in pursuit. There is a slight pause before they run across again as the play ends_)


End file.
